Tomorrow I’m heading to Lakeland Florida to participate in a crazy healing revival. I will first fly out to Nashville, where another girlfriend will be coming from Kentucky to pick me up in which we will then drive the next 10 hours down there. It will be a week of the manifest presence of Jesus. There couldn’t possibly be a better vacation than that. However, things got a little tricky after this morning. I was informed that instead of returning to KC on the the 3rd that I must stay in Lakeland, as a bookstore manager and help Eddie James with his merch table until the 11th. This vacation has now morphed into not one but two weeks of the presence of Jesus… while being surrounded constantly by people.
Just a little peek into my personality. I truly do love people, however, I also love being by myself and openly proclaim that I am peculiarly a classic introvert. There are two things that only the closest people to me know provoke me to insanity and absolute crankiness and this is A. lack of food and B. lack of alone time.
This might get interesting.
Friday night I had sushi with pals Rebecca, Aaron, Lisa and Ann in which Rebecca, Lisa, and I gathered again to see Prince Caspian. Saturday Aaron and James helped me move and then Lisa arrived with a beautiful bouquet of electric blue delphinium and we sat and talked for some time. The rest of the afternoon and all of Sunday I was able to spend completely alone. While I probably would have preferred several more days of complete isolation in order to contain myself for the next couple of weeks, I’m hoping that one and a half days might suffice.
Either way… I’m not sure if I will be posting again for the next couple of weeks so bonjour!
My friend, the “Rivkinator” (Josh) and I were having coffee about a year and a half ago and he made the comment: “Brooke, at the rate you’re going, in about ten years you’re going to be wearing camels skin and living out in the wilderness surviving off locusts and honey”.
I gave him a dirty look because girls don’t like guys to picture them in this attire and eating giant insects. Plus, I thought I was going to be a movie star at the time (can you imagine… me, an actress… who can’t even speak to a small group of people without blushing violently) and in no way wanted any part in any churchy, ministry thing. To me, being a Forerunner is not a desired occupation and scares the (gulp) hell out of me.
He didn’t say this because I was super-spiritual or even remotely mature (in fact, I was actually very immature in my faith at the time), I just happened to be having ridiculous prophetic things happening in my life. Still to this day, when I get a word for someone or have some nutty dream I am totally and completely shocked and want to tell EVERYONE about it. I honestly am so suprised and overwhelmed with gratitude when God speaks even the tiniest, most insignificant words to me. I want to tell everyone “HEY! Look what God did! He spoke to me, isen’t that awesome!!??? He’s really out there and He knows what’s going on in other people’s lives!!” When I share things like this (as inappropriate as it might be sometimes… and which I usually realize the inappropriateness of it later) it is usually because I have a lot of unbelief in my life and I like to remind myself that He is really really big and I’ll never figure Him out.
I’ve been grateful for all of the teachings on humility lately. I know it’s hard to believe but I’ve learned so much. I’ve also started to come to the conclusion that when I get a prophetic word for someone or God speaks something to me in secret that it is ALL about building the kingdom. The other day before prophecy room, I was in the prayer room and it just suddenly occured to me…. This is all about eternity! We’re pumping people up, encouraging their hearts, confirming their assignments so that they can in turn speak into the lives of others and so we can all build this kingdom TOGETHER.
For example, I actually went, the other day, to receive prophetic ministry (I seriously needed the beauty of Jesus spoken over me at the time) but when I got to the prayer room I found out that the Sunday team desperately needed people to prophesy so I volunteered even in my funky, discouraged attitude. When I got in the room I remembered what Jesus spoke to me about prophecy building the Kingdom so I prayed Jesus. Reveal your heart to these people. Tell me what You have to say to them. Call them out Jesus! Right after that three high school girls walked into the room and sat down. I closed my eyes and immediately I saw Jesus walk right in the room and lay His hand on one of the girls. I went over to her and prophesied some things and then I saw Him walk up to another girl… and as I was listening to the others prophesying, the whole room was just filled with the presence of God and all of them were weeping because they knew JESUS loved them so much and their hearts were tenderized and strengthened by the prophetic word. Afterward, one of the team members made the remark “Something happened in that room… don’t know what it was but the atmosphere totally changed.” I, in turn, was so encouraged because I knew those girls were going to walk away from the room ready to wreak havoc for the Kingdom of God. I cannot ever walk away from the prophecy room without feeling totally thankful that Jesus uses the weak things of the world.
I’d like to give a brief summary of the things God has been doing in my heart recently. For awhile now, the Lord has been speaking to me, gradually, about the calling He has on my life. He has been speaking specific things to me but I have been in denial about them for three reasons. The first one being that I feel completly inadadequate, the second one being that I don’t deserve it, and the third one that I am disqualified to do these things because of my past. Not only do I feel disqualified because of my past to do things for the Lord, but I also feel disqualified to have a happy family and marriage in the future. However, I’ve been trying to take steps of faith and obedience despite these nagging feelings that come over me from time to time. Yesterday, I was studying the book of Acts and a massive burden came over me for the lost. I know this is probably a normal occurance when reading Acts but it sure didn’t feel normal at the time. As I walked home from the cafe after reading the Word, I came into a spirit of prayer and started praying in tongues the entire way home and Jesus began speaking to my heart again about what He wanted me to do. I told Him that if He wanted me to do this, He was going to have to confirm, yet again, through prophecy that this was my calling and that He was going to have to show me by pouring grace upon me. I knew, if there was even a chance of me walking this out, that I would never be able to unless His strength and wisdom was supernaturally given to me. For the rest of the day I felt different….
When my sacred trust started that evening I still felt weird… don’t know how to explain it. I was studying Genesis, of all things and I began to have a great burden for the lost again and went into a spirit of supplication. Suddenly, I felt a great weight on my body. I felt the Lord’s tenderness all over me. The presence of God was so thick I almost thought I would not be able to physically contain myself for much longer. I have not felt the presence of God like that since High School. For four hours straight I just sat in the presence of God with tears streaming down my face and His eyes upon me. I knew He was pouring grace upon me and pouring love inside my heart… increasing my capacity to love the lost and to love Him more. I felt like I would not be able to get up and walk to my de-briefing and when I finally did manage to get up I stumbled into the room 15 minutes late. There were only three of us that night and I believe it was that way for a reason. Sarah was there and Nicole as well. Nicole just started in our group a few days ago and did not know me at all… and certainly didn’t know my past. They saw that the Lord was moving on me and decided to wait on Him. Nicole then broke into a prophetic oracle/song and I couldn’t believe what was coming out of her mouth. She began singing something along the lines of “Brooke, the Lord is rebuilding you. He is going to give back sevenfold, the years that the enemy has stolen from you. He is going to restore you. He is going to blow your mind. What will happen in your life is beyond your wildest dreams. You cannot even imagine what is in store for you.” I’ve had similar words before but each time, in my own faithlessness, I begin to doubt God again soon after. The Holy Spirit came on so strong again that I plunged to my knees and literally felt glued to the blue chairs in the Israel room. I knew this was God’s signal that I had better believe Him this time.
Tonight, by chance, I got involved in a prophetic seminar taught by the former director of the School of the Prophetic at Toronto Airport Church. I had specifically asked today for God to confirm what He had been telling me about my calling. I wanted specifics. I wanted to know if what I felt in my heart was for real. Yes, maybe this again is coming from a spirit of unbelief but… I guess I admit I’m weak. As the group began to prophesy over me I could not believe what they were saying. It not only matched what God had been speaking to me but SURPASSED what I had imagined. All I could do was nod in agreement. They also specified something else about my insecurity with leadership. I have a tendancy to over-analyze the way leadership views me. They “read my mail” about believing that leadership viewed me as weak, un-gifted, foolish, and one without a voice. Needless to say, I feel very encouraged and feel the necessary motivation to stay faithful and obedient in the process that I am in. I am guessing it may be awhile for these things to come into fulfillment and I know that God is doing some amazing things in my heart as I wait on Him to give me the go-ahead.