I drive a mini-van… correction… I DROVE a mini-van; as of a couple of days ago, anyway. The other day I went to pick up a friend for dinner and stopped at a gas station to fill up my tank. My car had been acting ‘funny’ the night before but I decided to shrug it off. I have a habit of doing things like that… avoiding any signs of danger because I’m too scared to confront it. But here I was, doing it again. Thankfully though, as usual, the Lord came to my rescue (as He always does!). As I went to turn around the car in front of me, I couldn’t seem to move around it quite enough. I decided to back up again and start over and as I shifted into reverse, I heard something snap. That doesn’t sound good, I thought. The steering wheel continued to turn, indicating a major steering issue. The issue was: it didn’t steer. After having a mechanic inspect it, I was told that I needed to get a new car. It turns out the frame of my van had literally broken in half. I was also told that if I had been on the interstate (which I would have been on if I hadn’t stopped for gas) I probably would have been killed.
But despite the sparing of my life, I have been really… really frustrated about my car situation. I hate not having a car because my independence is really important to me. Having to rely on other people for help isn’t something I have been able to be content with. And so I have been complaining and whining a lot; sometimes out loud, and sometimes to myself and neither of these are helpful to my situation. Last night, however, the Holy Spirit spoke to me as I was getting ready for bed. Why don’t you talk to Me about it? That should have been more obvious to me than it has been but unfortunately I was too busy complaining to think about it. But as I sat and listened to what He was saying I was struck with a surge of clarity.
I had just gotten a job at a new furniture store in West Little Rock, and moved in with my brother and sister-in-law…. about three or four blocks from work. If I had stayed with the same job in Bryant I would never have been able to walk to work if I needed to. I seem to remember something like this happening when I first moved to Kansas City. My Volkswagon broke down literally THE DAY I moved within walking distance to the missions base at IHOP. Jesus has everything lined up perfectly. He is completely aware of all of my circumstances and needs. And the fact is, I can’t possibly know why all of this happened but He knows why it happened. And He turns everything that seems ugly to us into something beautiful. The Message says it better:
30-33“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
34“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
I have been really feeling great about my supposed move to a new apartment next week. I felt that this transition was really key to the journey Jesus was on with me. It would give me plenty of time alone with the Lord and a quiet place that I could let everything hang out with him. I had a roommate that was lined up that is very quiet and sweet so I thought for sure it was going to work out. I am suppose to move on the 24th… a week from today.
This past week I went to the prophecy rooms sort of on accident. I wasn’t really planning on it and then they happened to need people. During my time in there, Esther Min began affirming me on some things that were taking place in my life right now. That I was making wise decisions and also affirming the deep things the Lord was doing in my life. But immediately she caught my attention when she said: “I feel like Jesus is going to come into your house. Yeah. I feel like he is going to wake you up in your house in the middle of the night and you are goin got have encounters with Him.”
This was confirmation for me that this move was really strategic from the Lord.
However, I’m a little bit concerned as to the status of my roommate situation at the moment. She might have bailed on me. She is currently MIA when we have literally a week before our move and I have nowhere to go after that.
Last night as I sat in my room worrying about things the Lord spoke to me and said: Don’t you remember planning things before and they never worked out exactly how you thought they would but I always, always come through for you? Things aren’t always as you imagine them to be.
It’s true. The unexpected always seems to happen to me. Jesus loves to keep me on my toes.
I am still praying that this roomie will come around. I know the Lord wants her here and the enemy is cunning and sneaky and there is always warfare surrounding big steps of obedience.
So this is what I get for trying to come to work. My van is now stuck at the bottom of the hill on Cleveland and I had to WALK the rest of the way home which is hazardous in itself.
Oh well. So I woke up in the middle of the night and heard the Lord clearly say “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal, but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven… for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”… Matthew 6:19-21. It was so clear and loud in my Spirit that it startled me a bit.
Last night, I had my first class of “Foundations of Healing the Heart” at FSM. We were asked to let the Holy Spirit examine our hearts and reveal hidden weaknesses. I have never thought that materialsm was one of my weaknesses. Yes, I like nice stuff just like every other girl in the universe but I never thought that it was out of control. Last night as I prayed that prayer, I didn’t think that “stuff” was an issue with me. But as I was thinking about it this morning, I realized that I do place too much value on all of my things when in reality… it’s all going to burn some day. None of it matters even though I think I place high value on it because it satisfies me temporarily or I think it gives me a higher level of social status.
This is not a Godly mindset. Several months ago, I was at FCF and I saw a group of FSM/FMA students. I felt like I was looking into the window of a high school, not a group of college-age students who are suppose to be practicing the Sermon on the Mount. Some really trendy, cute girls were sitting. They were clad in their urban outfitters ware and had cute, indie-rock haircuts. A couple of other girls came up to them and appeared to be attempting to have a conversation with the trendy girls. The new girls were dressed in what the world would consider a little dowdy and generic-looking. They might have also possibly seemed a little socially inept but that’s really not the point either. The trendy girls (that’s what I will call them in this context) simply rolled their eyes at eachother and then moved to another side of FSM where they wouldn’t have to sit next to the less-than-cool girls.
WHAT THE CRAP. This actually caused pain to rise up in my heart as I watched it happen. This has been an issue my prayer room team has been discussing a lot. Yes, we may study the Sermon on the Mount a lot here but I think there’s one verse that we fail to remember to actually practice “you ought to treat others how you yourselves would like to be treated.” Compassion. Sincerity. We are the body of Christ… this is not a popularity contest… this is the kingdom of God. Let’s get over ourselves… please.
The issue I see with myself is this… I really am just like these girls in some ways. I equate my own appearance and possessions with high social status when Jesus equates the purity of my heart, meekness, and humility with high status. We can talk all day long about how much we know about the Word and how we should be practicing the sermon on the mount but if we really aren’t practicing the second commandment ALONG with the first then it’s really completely POINTLESS to have knowledge about any of it.
I know most of you are probably really tired of me talking about my trip to England but I’m NOT so I’m going to write some more about it.
I got an e-mail today from my friend Natalie who lives right outside of London. This girl is an absalute doll and is uber excited about driving me all over London when I get there. I’m so lucky to have met her this summer.
Natalie has written up a schedule which she has named the “Adventure Timetable” (I think she’s more excited about me coming than I am!)
Sunday morning I will be arriving at Heathrow at 5:55 am. I will be packing some sleeping pills so that I will be able to sack out on the plane while I’m there. Doing the nightwatch the night before will help tremendously.
At about 7:45 I will be getting to Natalie’s house to eat/shower/nap
at 9:15 I will be helping minister in the prophecy rooms at Natalie’s church, The Oasis.
at 10:30 CHURCH at the Oasis.
From 1 to 4 pm Eat and sleep
4 pm travel to London, have coffee
5:30 pm service at HILLSONG LONDON!!
8 pm… head to Laytonstowe where the Combrinks live and drop me off.
Okay. As you can probably guess I have been sleepless this week. I’m just too anxious and too excited about this trip.
Also during the first week I will be going to the All Nations House of Prayer where I will hopefully be meeting up with old FITN buddy, Aaron Kennedy. I plan to stay so busy while I’m there that I’m sure by the time I get back I will be close to death (kidding). If I have enough money I would also like to visit some houses of prayer in the north… maybe even in Scotland!… but it’s doubtful that I will have enough cash to do this. Friday, I am also heading to Paris where I plan to take a squirt gun crammed with anointing oil and squirt it all over the land in Paris (yes, I’m unfortunately kidding about this as well… or maybe not).
Now… CORNWALL is going to be different but in an intensely spiritual way. OH MY… I’m so excited about going there. The Farnham’s have also devised a rad schedule for me. This includes things like speaking at churches, sharing at a Bible Study for surfers, praying a lot, visiting a cool mansion, hiking, oh yeah… and the beach! Did I mention that I have seen pictures of where the Farnham’s live and I was blown away by how beautiful it is. They live in this HUGE old English house RIGHT on the beach in Polzeath surrounded by beautiful English gardens. It’s amazing.
I’m actually quite jealous of myself right now. Is that possible?
You know that weird dream I had awhile back about Mike Bickle taking all of my stuff? I figured out that that was just my fearful subconscious thinking Jesus wanted to rob me. After talking to one of the moms here, and her explaining that Jesus didn’t want to take my stuff but in fact wants to give me more… I was incredulous. Why would He want to give me more? Maybe it’s because He really does love me! I finally get it, I think. He loves me… a lot. Sometimes He disciplines those He loves or maybe sometimes He’s teaching them new things or making them stronger but sometimes He just wants to bless us and shower all kinds of affections on us. I can’t help but hold back tears as I write this.
After all that I have pressed through. After all of my questions and no answers back. After the pain of complete silence and my heart’s persistance and even though I didn’t understand…. He was there in all of it. Even though I don’t know how this deserves a reward, He’s rewarding me.
I had a REAL prophetic dream during FITN where Jesus was washing my feet… and I had hairy legs and He didn’t even notice them. Since then I’ve had word after word that the Lord’s tenderness is upon me and that He wants to “wash my feet” and that I’m in a season of seeing God’s goodness.
Thank you, Jesus for the other unexpected check that I got in the mail today to pay for my passport (I asked Him for it yesterday).
Thank you for the free massage.
And the free pack of gum.
And wonderful friends.
And your presence that you so gracefully lavish on me.
And your friendship. The fact that I get to know You every day amazes me.
What a wonderful Maker.
I cannot believe that I cannot believe God sometimes.
Once again Jesus does something extravagant to remind me that this is where I am suppose to be. I shake my head in wonder that I am even remotely deserving of Him to serve me in this way. It is totally against my nature to sit back and let someone be nice to me like He is. I suppose He is teaching me how to receive because I don’t know if I really understand how.
I went to Westport on Saturday to sell some clothes to Arizona Trading Company and much to my suprise they paid me $92.50 in store credit. After the HUGE blessing that He gave me just a few hours before, this just topped it off. I almost fell over.
One thing that I discovered is that trying on jeans is great motivation to start running again… and eating better. No more sugar! Jeans and swimsuits are EVIL! I did start running again yesterday and am paying for it today. Every muscle in my body hurts. I used those huge 320z cans of vegetables for dumbells and I think I injured a wrist.
Bob Frasier’s sermon on Sunday is absalutely messing me up. I cannot stop thinking about it.
Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live in your holy mountain?
Those…. who keep their oaths even when it hurts;
Whoever does these things
Will never be shaken.
Student loans: Don’t you love them? God has been convicting me of paying them off despite my total lack of funds right now. Basically, my student loan payment (which is quite a bit, mind you) and my rent plus utilities is devouring my ENTIRE budget… if not going over it. Thoughts of going back to stay with my parents for the next 9 months have entered my mind but something Alan spoke about at the fasting meeting yesterday has resonated deeply within me. Why did I come here in the first place? I miss shopping and not worrying about money… going out to eat all weekend with my friends. I miss just being able to have “stuff”… but that’s not why I’m here. I’m hear to offer myself to the Lord and if that means I have to embrace this uncomfortable lifestyle, than that’s what I have to do so that I can be obedient to the Lord in paying my debts. Alan spoke about how some day none of us will be able to have “stuff”. We will all be in the same boat. I know that God brought me here and promised He would provide for everything that I need and so I’m holding Him to that.
Meanwhile, if anyone knows of a place with INCREDIBLY cheap rent, let me know!