I was basically seriously disturbed all day yesterday. Why? Simply because I found an old blog circa 2003-2004 era. That was one of the darkest seasons of my life and one that I truly do not want to remember… hence the “disturbed” day I had. The truth is, however traumatized I was from reading that blog, I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I realized how truly changed and redeemed I was and how close I had become to losing my life… but not in a nice Jesus way of losing my life…. in a literal, point blank way of losing my life. It was a little painful reading parts of that blog but over and over I saw God’s protection over me and felt even more relief that surely, God wouldn’t go through all of the trouble to save a mess like me if He didn’t have some plan, if His promises weren’t true.
I found a dream that I had written down in that blog that I read to a couple of co-workers and they were all aghast at the intensity of it. I’d like to share it with you because well, though it is excruciating, it’s also very very meaningful.
In my dream, my legs had been crushed. Shards of bone were splintered everywhere and my skin was covered with blood. I was at the doctor’s office where he meticulously and compassionately bandaged my wounds. The scene switches and I’m back at the doctor’s office again. He has me walk around the office and I pretend like I’m not feeling any pain but of course He knows the truth. He shakes his head and grimaces and says to me the one thing that most medical patiends NEVER want to hear “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to break your legs again.” So He takes them in his hands and breaks them again. Scene switches and my legs are still gradually healing when he repeats the same horrible statement: “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to keep breaking your legs again and again until they are totally healed.”
I had to laugh after reading this. I distinctly remember the last time the Lord broke my legs. It was a couple of months before I came to IHOP. He had broken them over and over again during the course of a 4 year period until I finally realized I had to make a choice to lean on Him and not take my life into my own hands.
I remember that day distinctly… when I made the choice to trust Him. None of my roommates were home that evening. I had skipped out on the festivities… there was just too much turmoil in my heart. I stood in the bedroom that Amber and I shared and I screamed at the top of my lungs, “I don’t understand you, God! I don’t understand you but I love you and I’m going to follow you anyway!” There were a lot of other things I said that night to God but that particular statement changed my life. Not that I still don’t make mistakes and slip back into self-deception but I have learned that life with God is made with one choice at a time. I have to ask myself consistently… “in this situation… are you saying ‘yes’ to God even when you don’t see the end of the story? Even when it feels like it’s too much for you to handle? Even when you’re scared to death?”
Friendship with God is an adventure and obedience is usually much more exciting than we think it is. Let’s not give God a bad rap. He loves to fascinate and exhilarate… if we trust that He will.