Filed under: Communing with the Holy Spirit, Healing, Intimacy with God, Jesus Loves Me, Prayer, Prophetic Dreams, Thankfulness, The Cross
I feel as though I’ve been buried under rubble all of my life and in the last couple of weeks hope has come and lifted off of me the weight of the world and the even greater wait of hopelessness that has been the tiger on my back all of my life. Part of this lifting began as I hid myself in the secret place; a dark bedroom with a dim lamp, a few candles and the Holy Spirit. Instead of repeating to myself over and over (like I have my entire life) “you’re so stupid”, “you’re worthless” , “you can’t do anything right”, “you’re ugly” and even the weird conundrum of “all you are is a pretty face”… I’m actually praying scripture… truth about who God is… that He is kind, patient, mighty to save, good, generous, attentive, caring and loving. I’ve been praying scriptures about who I am to Him with truth such as “His delight”, “separated and kept”, “dark but lovely”, “the object of His desire”, “belonging to Him”, “recipient of His loving devotion”, “the joy set before Him”, “the apple of His eye”, His special treasure”.
I use to have doubts that tongue held so much power as James 3 speaks about but it really does. Speaking forth truth to a precious God who is attentive and loves hearing our voices does wonders for identity issues. And when we speak these things out and wait to hear His observations on this truth… that’s when He comes. This is when He makes His love known and whispers mysteries that shift things in our hearts. For the first time in my life I’ve been able to separate the truths from the lies as He speaks to me about how He is making me strong. He speaks to me about His great passion to make tragedies into something profoundly breathtaking and glorious and He does not withhold this from anyone who comes to Him in faith. NOT FROM ANYONE (even from me). He loves the great exchange of His life and love for our pain and despair. And He loves weaving it into an ornate tapestry of the charecter of God and His tenderness and kindness and compassion toward human beings.
To end I will share a rather tender dream that I have been holding onto for awhile. In it, I was standing in the back bookstore office talking to a friend and co-worker. There were other people in the room which gave it a “public” feel (which I realized now represents the prayer room). She was rebuking me for speaking rudely and unkindly to someone she loved. In that moment I felt the grief of having caused someone else pain. I repented for my behaviour and became frustrated with myself. I began telling my friend that I was so sorry and explained to her various things that had happened in my childhood and how I still sometimes act out of that deep pain. She started walking out of the room and beckoned me to come follow her. We walked into a hidden storage area (that actually does not exist in reality). She turned around to get something behind her and when she stood to face me again, I could see tears running down her face. She was weeping for me. I could see the compassion in her eyes as she understood and knew the things that I had experienced. She felt my pain. In her hands were a pair of pants and on top of them was my Bible. The dream ended.
I woke up wondering at first what in the world the pants were for. What did all of this mean? As I met her (representing the Holy Spirit) in the secret place she was covering my shame… with TRUTH. I was seeing the Holy Spirit’s compassion over my life and identifying with it in a deep way. Yes… He is wild and untamed but He’s also gentle and tender with our hearts. He “knows we are but dust”. He’s been there and experienced pain much more profoundly than anything we have experienced.
Filed under: Communing with the Holy Spirit, Maturity, Missions, Prayer, The Arts, The Church
So I had a dream awhile back.
It was shortly after I returned from England. It was very symbolic and I have been dissecting it for months and months when Jesus this weekend gave me some pretty interesting insight on it.
I was a nanny for Paul McCartney and Elizabeth Hurley (don’t laugh).
They were on their honeymoon and we were all together in Egypt.
We are all in a jeep and it is a really hot day.
They hand me their tiny newborn baby to take care of and I take it and walk down the streets of Egypt with it.
I wind up walking right into a city in England. I’m not sure if it was London or not but it was England.
I was on a street lined with shops and the baby is suddenly about 2 or 3 years old.
In this particular part of the city, they were having an art festival.
I went inside a store and it was full of classrooms where people were working on various art projects. I’m carrying this toddler around and we are inspecting all of the art projects.
At the end of the dream I see a closed door and I go to it, curious to see what is inside. When I open the door, my dream ends.
I’ve figured out that Egypt was here in Kansas City. This is my wilderness season. The baby is my vision for London. It was newborn at the time I had my dream. When the baby is older, I figured out this means that I will be in England around the time my vision is about 2 or 3 years old. So basically I’m sticking it out here for 2 or 3 years. Let me tell you… sometimes it sure feels like Egypt here.
What I didn’t understand for a long time was all of the artistic stuff. For one thing I’m carrying the baby of two English celebrities. McCartney, a musician and Hurley an actress. Then I end up in an art festival and then in a store full of classrooms with people working on various art projects.
I believe that when I entered the closed door that this was prayer and intercession. But what is all the rest of it?
Saturday, I woke up with a start. I suddenly realized what this meant… well in part anyway. There is a school in New York City called “The New School”. It’s a place where adults can go and take classes on various things. Anything from dance to history to writing to foreign languages.
If there is anything that that can get the humanistic culture in London to have an interest in the church (other than a sovereign move of the Holy Spirit, which is of course ideal) it’s the arts. My crazy, nutty plan is to eventually start something like “The New School” in London where teachers (who are secretly prophetic messengers) are interacting with adult students daily. In the back of the school somewhere I foresee a furnace of prayer and intercession for the city and small grassroots church plants sprouting in various homes around the city… or maybe just one big one. I don’t know exactly what it’s going to look like yet.
I know I sound like some kind of crazy idealist nutjob but I really think this might be Jesus. There’s no way I could come up with it on my own.
Filed under: Healing, Intercession, Intimacy with God, Jesus Loves Me, Prayer, Prophecy
I love that I have Jesus as my best friend.
I get to partner with the resurrected God-man in the lives of people around the world, in the governments of nations, and in my own life. I love that I get to hear and feel what’s on His heart, to experience His affections for me and have a taste of His affections for others. I love that I get to help partner with Him in building His kingdom. I love that I can hear His ideas and see His vision through the written Word. We get to partner with Him in healing broken bodies, in resurrecting the dead, in revealing the Father’s love to orphaned children. Every aspect of this partnership is exciting to me. The prayer part, prophetic part, the healing part, even the discipline part. It all just means that He loves me and I’m His kid and He doesn’t care about how messed up I am because He’s my dad and He loves to hang out with me and teach me new things.
I’ve been finding new ways to pray lately because a lot of times, especially during times of intercession, we forget that it’s really all about Him and His purposes. So I find myself asking Him questions, “what do you have to say, here, Jesus? how do you think I should pray for this?” Now granted, He’s given us freedom and individuality but I’m finding that it’s so much more fun to actually incorporate a conversation with Him into the hours of prayer we spend. So I’ll ask Him questions and then wait in silence (or with the background prophetic worship from the prayer room) and expect Him to answer me because Dad’s don’t ignore their children. So He will and I sense His thoughts towards me and I hear His voice giving me a scripture reference or a phrase to let me know His thoughts on the topic I am praying for. And even if I don’t hear anything, I know He’s there, hanging out with me, enjoying that I am enjoying Him.
Prayer is the most fun.
Filed under: House of Prayer, Humility, Intimacy with God, Music, Prayer, Prophecy, Worship
Yesterday I was singing for a team at the JPR and we had what I thought was a fantastic set, though I tend to feel deeply insecure every time I walk off stage… I’m hoping that this will change over time. Anyway, I was all concerned that I had botched some things up but one of the guitar players started in on a very profound speech. He is also a guitar player for a popular team at the GPR so he’s pretty experienced, of course. He began to discuss the importance of being able to submit to what the Spirit of God is doing in the room during a set… to not just spout out scriptures because you think you have something good to say but to connect your heart with God and flow together in the Spirit with the rest of the team.
I’ve heard various singers say things like “singing is just like any other thing I do. It has the same emotional significance to me as doing the laundrey.” That just sounds really sad because to me, singing is prayer. At the same time, however, since I am a fairly new singer to IHOP and haven’t quite gotten accustomed to singing for reasons other than to pump my ego up, I struggle with not allowing my insecurities to overshadow what God is doing in my heart and in the hearts of the others in the room. I know this is a very easy reaction to have as a singer or musician.
Well, I have thought a lot about this speech since last night. The remedy? More soaking prayer. More prayer in general. More prayer room. And not only that but to remember that the reason I’m singing in the first place is to be more in love with Jesus and assist people, globally to be drawn away into a spiritual atmosphere where they can be more in love with Jesus as well.
It’s the same remedy we have when we are struggling with general prophecy. Prophetic singing obviously needs the prophetic spirit behind it. Prophetic singing isn’t just singing whatever comes to mind and having no heart connection to it at all. Prophetic singing is declaring, through music, what is on the heart of Jesus.
Last night I was in the prayer room for six hours on my night off. Since I’ve been part-time for awhile now, I thought that after six hours would seem longer than I could bear. I sang for four hours of the six and this of course helped, but I can’t say that I ever got tired of it.
I love prayer. I love the prayer movement. I love the prayer room.
I am starting to remember why I came here in the first place.
However, nothing comes close to prayer in my own bedroom alone, saying the things I can’t say to the Lord in a publicly broadcast room surrounded by hundreds of people. The prayer room is about offerings. The prayer closet is about intimacy and discerning the voice of God. It’s important that we have a life of prayer inside the prayer room but we can’t forget our prayer life OUTSIDE the prayer room, either.
Anyway, lately I’ve contemplating coming back full-time which would virtually eliminate any time to myself. I would have maybe 2 and half hours on the week days and one of the those hours would be spent cooking and eating. As I was about to make the decision to switch-over again, I decided to take that class at FSM which won’t allow me to go back full-time yet. I have a feeling that I’m not quite ready. That there are still some more things that God wants to do in this season. I need time to figure out my heart and what God wants to say to me and do in me. I need to finish this season of healing.
