Filed under: Art
She ascends the stairs, weary
Feet heavy as anvils
Heart holding a cry of unbelief
She is wound in ropes of her own imagination,
Tightly enclosed, held captive
In boundaries self-imposed
Packaged neatly into her own
Lowered ideals, vain-glory aspirations,
Failed initiations
Fear is a dark blanket, smothering,
Choking back holy dreams
She carries the passive murmur of the deceived
Her eyes, then dull with pain
Begin to flicker at vibrant images
And vibrant faces
Softening begins as a ripple moves
Under her feet:
The beginnings of a thunderous sound
The sound of heaven echoes
From the domed ceiling top
Invading her countenance
The syrupy scent of praise erupts,
Canvasing her dreary face
While shadows fade
Her heart moves from right to left
A snap of fibrous twine is heard
.… one more and then another
She hesitates at losing her grip.
The thrill of risk overwhelms her.
Yet determination overcomes her.
Pushing back every restraint,
Colors unfold a radiant face
Her hands and fingers
Flex with light
Her arms raise and wave and
Fan flames and fire
Her chest ignites and burns
With love
Her body sways with
euphoric delight.
She spins and kicks,
Limbs stretching, rising
Excitement rises in her throat
The pressure of thrill fills her mouth
She yells with passion,
Shouting loud
A blistering scream,
Melting a heart
Heat rises through her,
Filling her veins
She shimmies and worships and
Dances out the night
The sun rises, taking over her gaze
As she gathers her white gown
And unveils her face
Here I am, back in the secular work force again, no longer in my cushy job working for the prayer movement. Though I do work with a fellow Firestarter, Brett, I have much more access to unbelievers (sort of). I work in the tiny town (though not as tiny as Ottertail) of New York Mills. The downtown area in which I work consists of a home center, chiropracter, bar, cafe, bakery, credit union, real estate office, cultural center, library and a couple of beauty shops… and that is all. Seriously.
But you know what? Working and living in a small town gives you an awesome oppurtunity to build relationships and impact the small community you are in. It will take some getting use to in adjusting my mindset from city to small town. No longer do I just walk into a coffee shop and walk out without paying attention to anyone (because no one in a big city pays attention to you either). Instead, everyone knows everyone else and because of the slower pace of life, people actually make time for eachother.
But to impact a community, building relationships is not the only key. We must learn to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, asking for words of knowledge and prophesying destiny and the love of Jesus over them. 1 Corinthians 14 says that we are to “eagerly desire to prophesy” so that the church may be built up. It is used for strengthening, encouragement and comfort. Verse 24-25 says this:
24But if an unbeliever or someone who does not understand[h]comes in while everybody is prophesying, he will be convinced by all that he is a sinner and will be judged by all, 25and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down and worship God, exclaiming, “God is really among you!”
Prophecy impacts the hearts of men and women who are confronted with the truth of the Living God. But prophecy is also a way for us to learn the true meaning of friendship with God. Even though He doesn’t need us, He chooses to use us in this way because He desires to spend time with us and tell us His secrets.
So in this season I want to learn how to be sensitive to Holy Spirit even while I’m in the midst of people that are living in darkness. The Word of God brings life and we are carriers of that Word which lives inside of us. Jesus is the Word (John 1:1) and because He lives in us, we can speak forth His Word with boldness and know that it is Him speaking.
Enough of this for now…
Filed under: Uncategorized
I have been a resident of Ottertail Minnesota for almost two months now and I still have no idea what my purpose is here. Leaving IHOP to come to this tiny town has been a smooth transition but I am starting to get a little restless. This week I have started working at a law office and I am grateful for my job here but am starting to wonder what I should be really doing with my life. What I want to do is write for a living but I also have to be responsible and have enough money to pay my bills each month. Setting up a copy writing or freelance business requires research and plenty of time to do the work… as well as some sort of internet connection which I don’t have at my current residence. How to fit all of this in alongside ministry responsibilities is something I am also trying to manage.
On my heart the most, even more than beginning a writing business, is my desire to introduce others to the all-consuming love of Jesus and to teach about intimacy and prayer. However, one minor detail of this vision is that I need to end this plague of fear of man. It is the single most annoying weakness in my life and one that will prevent me from walking out the assignments and dreams the Lord has for me.
So here I am with oppurtunity awaiting me and fear holding me back from it. The only alternative I have to be free from it is talking to the Lord each day about this struggle and allowing Him to “do His thing”.
The mark of surrender is handing our hearts and our lives over to the non-precarious hands of Jesus. It shouldn’t be scary but for some of us it is frightening. To wander this long journey in blind faith, trusting that His hand is guiding us through the night fog isn’t the easiest position to be in. For a select few it takes us several attempts of “putting our hands in it” before we fall face first.
Two years ago I had a dream about three trains. The first two trains represented two different people from my past. I ran across the train tracks as I saw the first train approach. I was sure that this train was the train that my friend was on and ran toward it even as it was moving swiftly to it’s destination. But instead of slowing down, it sped right past me without even blinking and almost knocked me to the ground. I turned and saw another train moving quickly toward me. It was moving even faster, charging ahead as if nothing could stop it. And nothing could; not even myself. I tried to flag it down but it moved on without me, almost killing me as it made it’s way along. Finally, I conceded and realized my attempts to stop a train on my own were not realistic. I made my way to the platform where others were waiting for their loved ones. Standing there, I wouldn’t get hurt. Standing on this firm place, I would be safe. After a short while I saw a third train enclosed in a steady cloud of steam. It was moving more slowly than the other trains and I was eager for it to arrive but this time I didn’t run after the train; I stayed in my spot, waiting. I didn’t have to direct the train, I only had to stand there and trust that the right train would come when it was ready to. I didn’t have to chase after it because if I did, I would only be risking my life (and probably my heart). At the end of the dream, I was still standing on the platform when the third train pulled right up to me and I was standing in front of the door, patiently waiting for my “friend” to appear.
For the past four years I have been standing on this platform. It has been a good four years. I’ve learned to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit and obey Him (mostly) when He asks me to do or not to do something. I haven’t always been perfect with this but each time I make a mistake, I learn something new about the person of God and just how trustworthy He is. I’ve learned to be content and be satisfied with my relationship with the Jesus. I enjoy being single and have learned to take advantage of my independence. I have allowed the Lord to do a deep healing in my life from a past severely unhealthy relationship. I haven’t been perfected yet. I still have insecurity. I still struggle with trusting other people. I still wrestle with fear. I still fight against shame and inadequacy and unworthiness. I’m human but one thing I do know is that God is for me. He is has no plans to harm me but desires to give me a “hope and a future”. He loves me and wants good things for me and it’s not dependent on anything that I do for Him. I don’t have to pay Him anything for His love and care and guidance. He is a good Father and He loves to do this.
Surrender is a constant, daily task that all of us must submit to. Some things are harder to surrender than other things. The other night I had to surrender something again that I have had to surrender many other times before but it is something that never gets easier with time. It’s not that the Lord is forbidding something in the future, it’s just that He doesn’t want me to hope in something that is not Him… He is who I put my trust in. Human beings fail, but He never does. After I made the decision to once again say “Yes” to Him I had yet another dream that is similar in nature to the earlier train dream.
I was driving down a dark road (ahem, how cliché). The night was so incredibly pitch black that I couldn’t even see the outline of the road. It was terrifying but somehow my car was able to stay on the road without driving into some abyss. Suddenly, I come upon a group of large potholes in front of me and somehow drove around or through them without damaging my car or myself. I drove on, still in darkness, when I instantly notice a fire raging in the middle of the road. I quickly maneuver around or through the fire without singeing anything on my car or causing any kind of explosion. I again, continue on the dark road, still unable to see anything at all when I get an epiphany: just turn on the lights, Brooke! I flip a switch in the dashboard of my car and the whole road is illuminated in front of me.
In that moment when we truly, in our hearts, give our lives, dreams, aspirations and hopes up and let the Spirit of God rule us, understanding and light make a way for us to see situations and relationships more clearly. Blind faith, actually creates room for revelation. Revelation of who God is and where He wants us and where our lives are really headed.
I don’t want to view my current circumstances through the lens of my past any longer. Surrender is a beautiful gift from God that eliminates our false notions and perceptions. It cuts away preconceived and judgmental thoughts that cloud our reason leaving us with only His leadership and our God-given wisdom.
Surrender is gloriously painful and painfully glorious.
