Filed under: Fear
I’ve noticed that I have been writing about the subject of fear a lot lately. Well… I’m going to write about it again.
I’m not really sure I know how I got through all of my high school extra-curricular activities. I never felt like I was good enough to sing the solo or get the big part in the play and was usually mortified and terrified when I did. I remember my senior year, after moving to Little Rock, Arkansas from Wisconsin, I was picked to perform as “Eponine” in our school’s production of Les Miserables. Here I was, the lone “yankee” girl that everyone hated because they were still stuck in the Civil War, and I got picked as one of the main leads in the musical. Needless to say, this did not add to my popularity. During rehearsals, I could hardly get anything out of my mouth because I could feel the hatred seething from the other girls. Some of my friends told me that many of the girls would mock me in class behind my back. Eventually, I went to my choir instructor and told her I didn’t want the part any longer. Surely, there was someone better that could take the part! She just smiled at me and said “I picked you, Brooke, because you were the one that was right for the part. You can’t back out. I’ll dock your grade.” She smiled at me again and I responded with a dreaded “fine. I’ll do it.”
Twelve years later, I’m still struggling with the fear of man. I don’t like getting in front of people. I don’t like it when people give me attention. It makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous.
Sunday night I preached a sermon to a room full of peers and last night I helped lead worship at our Wednesday night meeting. Two more terrifying moments in my life but I knew that I would never get over this fear, if I didn’t force myself to do the things I know that I’m called to do. I had to remind myself, that it isn’t about me anyway, it’s about revealing the man Jesus. It’s about pointing people to Him.
Sunday night I remember sitting to the side right before I came to the mic when I heard Jesus speak to me and tell me that He was going to be standing up there with me. A split second after He spoke this to me I heard Pete, our pastor say “I think Jesus is in the room right now!” And when I went up there to talk to about the FIRE of God’s love I felt his fire next to me. It wasn’t me that was speaking but it was Jesus, Himself, planting his passion for His people in my mouth.
So let’s get down to business: we can tell we are ministering the gospel with wrong motives when we are feeling fear, jealousy, envy or competition. If we are feeling these things, than we know that we are presenting ourselves to the people and not to Jesus who is deserves all of the glory and all of the honor.
Amen
Last night I was speaking with a group of friends about the issue of fear when someone made a profound statement: “Fear and faith are the same thing. They are both expectations of something. Fear expects something bad to happen while faith expects something good.” Romans 8:14-16 says,
14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.
It all comes down to whether we really believe who God says He is. Do we believe He is a good Father who wants good things for His children or do we believe he is a neglectful, passive Father who doesn’t care about the needs of His kids? Truthfully, the Father wants extravagant things for us. He wants to see us succeed. He wants to provide for us. If we continue to expect bad things to happen, we will become self-fulfilling prophets.
We have to believe that we are no longer slaves to fear but are adopted by a generous, kind Father in heaven. We cannot believe the lie of self-protection any longer. Trying to protect ourselves with resistant, emotional walls is sin. It is sin because we do not trust in God’s protection or leadership over our lives.
Last week I had a dream about the subject of fear. I was invited to go swimming in a pond with someone. We were both excited about hanging out with eachother but as soon as I got to the edge of the water, I started to feel that familiar hesitation. I was terrified to get in the water with my friend. What was underneath the water? Would something hurt me? Was the water too dirty? Fear consumed me. My friend went out a little ways into the water and waited for me to meet them. Finally, I faced the fear and waded slowly in. Eventually, both my friend and I were swimming through the water that I had once been so afraid of.
Taking steps to face our fears is a crucial passageway to wholeness. We have to first remind ourselves who God is and that He is much bigger than our fears and we have to worship and declare who He is even while we’re facing those fears.
Because we have all been born with a sin nature, we cannot expect others to treat us perfectly at all times and others can’t expect the same from us. If our identity is grounded in the love of God for us, than the actions of others should not affect us.
I was reading 1 Corinthians 13, or what is also know as the “love chapter”. One of the verses has been on my mind all week: “Love believes all things”. So much of my fear comes from my expectations of the pain I may recieve from others. With certain friends, I am always expecting to get hurt– always expecting to be disappointed. But instead of expecting that they will treat us badly, we should instead believe the best about them– to see them with the eyes of love, through the lens of Holy Spirit, rather than with our own fallen eyesight. In a way, when we expect unkindness from our brothers and sisters, we are walking in judgment, when the Lord has asked us to walk in love. And we must walk in love without walls and without hardening our hearts in self-protection.
Filed under: Jesus Loves Me
Longing for Jesus creates a dissatisfaction with life as we know it. It caverns out a space, a void that waits on God to fill it. It longs for the fullness of God, wholeness and greatness in our destinies.
Hunger is a gift because it refuses to allow us to settle for anything less than what God desires for us. It thrusts us forward into the heart of God to a place where we can hear His plans and lets Him speak over us identity.
Filed under: Art
She ascends the stairs, weary
Feet heavy as anvils
Heart holding a cry of unbelief
She is wound in ropes of her own imagination,
Tightly enclosed, held captive
In boundaries self-imposed
Packaged neatly into her own
Lowered ideals, vain-glory aspirations,
Failed initiations
Fear is a dark blanket, smothering,
Choking back holy dreams
She carries the passive murmur of the deceived
Her eyes, then dull with pain
Begin to flicker at vibrant images
And vibrant faces
Softening begins as a ripple moves
Under her feet:
The beginnings of a thunderous sound
The sound of heaven echoes
From the domed ceiling top
Invading her countenance
The syrupy scent of praise erupts,
Canvasing her dreary face
While shadows fade
Her heart moves from right to left
A snap of fibrous twine is heard
.… one more and then another
She hesitates at losing her grip.
The thrill of risk overwhelms her.
Yet determination overcomes her.
Pushing back every restraint,
Colors unfold a radiant face
Her hands and fingers
Flex with light
Her arms raise and wave and
Fan flames and fire
Her chest ignites and burns
With love
Her body sways with
euphoric delight.
She spins and kicks,
Limbs stretching, rising
Excitement rises in her throat
The pressure of thrill fills her mouth
She yells with passion,
Shouting loud
A blistering scream,
Melting a heart
Heat rises through her,
Filling her veins
She shimmies and worships and
Dances out the night
The sun rises, taking over her gaze
As she gathers her white gown
And unveils her face
Here I am, back in the secular work force again, no longer in my cushy job working for the prayer movement. Though I do work with a fellow Firestarter, Brett, I have much more access to unbelievers (sort of). I work in the tiny town (though not as tiny as Ottertail) of New York Mills. The downtown area in which I work consists of a home center, chiropracter, bar, cafe, bakery, credit union, real estate office, cultural center, library and a couple of beauty shops… and that is all. Seriously.
But you know what? Working and living in a small town gives you an awesome oppurtunity to build relationships and impact the small community you are in. It will take some getting use to in adjusting my mindset from city to small town. No longer do I just walk into a coffee shop and walk out without paying attention to anyone (because no one in a big city pays attention to you either). Instead, everyone knows everyone else and because of the slower pace of life, people actually make time for eachother.
But to impact a community, building relationships is not the only key. We must learn to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, asking for words of knowledge and prophesying destiny and the love of Jesus over them. 1 Corinthians 14 says that we are to “eagerly desire to prophesy” so that the church may be built up. It is used for strengthening, encouragement and comfort. Verse 24-25 says this:
24But if an unbeliever or someone who does not understand[h]comes in while everybody is prophesying, he will be convinced by all that he is a sinner and will be judged by all, 25and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down and worship God, exclaiming, “God is really among you!”
Prophecy impacts the hearts of men and women who are confronted with the truth of the Living God. But prophecy is also a way for us to learn the true meaning of friendship with God. Even though He doesn’t need us, He chooses to use us in this way because He desires to spend time with us and tell us His secrets.
So in this season I want to learn how to be sensitive to Holy Spirit even while I’m in the midst of people that are living in darkness. The Word of God brings life and we are carriers of that Word which lives inside of us. Jesus is the Word (John 1:1) and because He lives in us, we can speak forth His Word with boldness and know that it is Him speaking.
Enough of this for now…
Filed under: Uncategorized
I have been a resident of Ottertail Minnesota for almost two months now and I still have no idea what my purpose is here. Leaving IHOP to come to this tiny town has been a smooth transition but I am starting to get a little restless. This week I have started working at a law office and I am grateful for my job here but am starting to wonder what I should be really doing with my life. What I want to do is write for a living but I also have to be responsible and have enough money to pay my bills each month. Setting up a copy writing or freelance business requires research and plenty of time to do the work… as well as some sort of internet connection which I don’t have at my current residence. How to fit all of this in alongside ministry responsibilities is something I am also trying to manage.
On my heart the most, even more than beginning a writing business, is my desire to introduce others to the all-consuming love of Jesus and to teach about intimacy and prayer. However, one minor detail of this vision is that I need to end this plague of fear of man. It is the single most annoying weakness in my life and one that will prevent me from walking out the assignments and dreams the Lord has for me.
So here I am with oppurtunity awaiting me and fear holding me back from it. The only alternative I have to be free from it is talking to the Lord each day about this struggle and allowing Him to “do His thing”.
The mark of surrender is handing our hearts and our lives over to the non-precarious hands of Jesus. It shouldn’t be scary but for some of us it is frightening. To wander this long journey in blind faith, trusting that His hand is guiding us through the night fog isn’t the easiest position to be in. For a select few it takes us several attempts of “putting our hands in it” before we fall face first.
Two years ago I had a dream about three trains. The first two trains represented two different people from my past. I ran across the train tracks as I saw the first train approach. I was sure that this train was the train that my friend was on and ran toward it even as it was moving swiftly to it’s destination. But instead of slowing down, it sped right past me without even blinking and almost knocked me to the ground. I turned and saw another train moving quickly toward me. It was moving even faster, charging ahead as if nothing could stop it. And nothing could; not even myself. I tried to flag it down but it moved on without me, almost killing me as it made it’s way along. Finally, I conceded and realized my attempts to stop a train on my own were not realistic. I made my way to the platform where others were waiting for their loved ones. Standing there, I wouldn’t get hurt. Standing on this firm place, I would be safe. After a short while I saw a third train enclosed in a steady cloud of steam. It was moving more slowly than the other trains and I was eager for it to arrive but this time I didn’t run after the train; I stayed in my spot, waiting. I didn’t have to direct the train, I only had to stand there and trust that the right train would come when it was ready to. I didn’t have to chase after it because if I did, I would only be risking my life (and probably my heart). At the end of the dream, I was still standing on the platform when the third train pulled right up to me and I was standing in front of the door, patiently waiting for my “friend” to appear.
For the past four years I have been standing on this platform. It has been a good four years. I’ve learned to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit and obey Him (mostly) when He asks me to do or not to do something. I haven’t always been perfect with this but each time I make a mistake, I learn something new about the person of God and just how trustworthy He is. I’ve learned to be content and be satisfied with my relationship with the Jesus. I enjoy being single and have learned to take advantage of my independence. I have allowed the Lord to do a deep healing in my life from a past severely unhealthy relationship. I haven’t been perfected yet. I still have insecurity. I still struggle with trusting other people. I still wrestle with fear. I still fight against shame and inadequacy and unworthiness. I’m human but one thing I do know is that God is for me. He is has no plans to harm me but desires to give me a “hope and a future”. He loves me and wants good things for me and it’s not dependent on anything that I do for Him. I don’t have to pay Him anything for His love and care and guidance. He is a good Father and He loves to do this.
Surrender is a constant, daily task that all of us must submit to. Some things are harder to surrender than other things. The other night I had to surrender something again that I have had to surrender many other times before but it is something that never gets easier with time. It’s not that the Lord is forbidding something in the future, it’s just that He doesn’t want me to hope in something that is not Him… He is who I put my trust in. Human beings fail, but He never does. After I made the decision to once again say “Yes” to Him I had yet another dream that is similar in nature to the earlier train dream.
I was driving down a dark road (ahem, how cliché). The night was so incredibly pitch black that I couldn’t even see the outline of the road. It was terrifying but somehow my car was able to stay on the road without driving into some abyss. Suddenly, I come upon a group of large potholes in front of me and somehow drove around or through them without damaging my car or myself. I drove on, still in darkness, when I instantly notice a fire raging in the middle of the road. I quickly maneuver around or through the fire without singeing anything on my car or causing any kind of explosion. I again, continue on the dark road, still unable to see anything at all when I get an epiphany: just turn on the lights, Brooke! I flip a switch in the dashboard of my car and the whole road is illuminated in front of me.
In that moment when we truly, in our hearts, give our lives, dreams, aspirations and hopes up and let the Spirit of God rule us, understanding and light make a way for us to see situations and relationships more clearly. Blind faith, actually creates room for revelation. Revelation of who God is and where He wants us and where our lives are really headed.
I don’t want to view my current circumstances through the lens of my past any longer. Surrender is a beautiful gift from God that eliminates our false notions and perceptions. It cuts away preconceived and judgmental thoughts that cloud our reason leaving us with only His leadership and our God-given wisdom.
Surrender is gloriously painful and painfully glorious.
Filed under: Bible Study, Biblical love, Intimacy with God, Trust, Wisdom, Women | Tags: control, love, romance, Women
There is this girl that has been making my life miserable lately. I blame her for the misery she has put me in for the past 29 years. She is insecure, a control-freak and way too needy. Her influence on my life has lessened dramatically in the past five years but the residue of her mistakes continue to show up occasionally and it has become rather annoying. This girl’s name is Eve (last name unknown). She existed probably about 6,000 years ago and I really don’t understand what her problem was because she got to walk with God (yes God) in the “cool of the day.” She literally got to hear His voice every day and have actual audible conversation with Him. Not only that but she lived in the most beautiful place that has ever existed alongside a handsome man who became her covenant partner for life. I’m pretty sure they had an almost perfect relationship. What would a girl give to just know that this “was the one” because, well, God plainly told her that he was “the one”. No guessing games… no games at all. Just love and romance and no sin to mess any of it up… yet.
Well, one day in the garden of Eden (think, rain forest with no humidity), Eve feels that familiar tummy grumble. She saunters up to a nearby fruit tree and then remembers… “oops. I’m not suppose to eat fruit from this tree. God said.” But before she has a chance to get the heck out of there this slimeball serpant hisses menacingly at her. Eve is decieved into thinking that even with her perfect body and her perfect mind, she is not “enough”. Not only is she not “enough” but God is holding out on her. He’s withholding good things from her. With all of that time hanging out with God, you would think Eve would know His charecter a little better than that.
So Eve decides to take her life into her own hands. She disobeys, believing that her ways are higher than His and not the other way around. This desire to control her own life results in disastor for all of humanity, especially for the female species. God curses Eve and in verse 16 of Chapter 3 it says “and your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.” Researching the word “desire” in the Hebrew I discovered that it’s real meaning is “be determined to assert our will over”. In other words… “our desire will be to control.” I was a little offended upon first reading this. I don’t think of myself as a control freak and to be perfectly honest, I’ve wondered at times if I’m a little too laid back about things. But as I talked to the Holy Spirit about this I recognized many ways in which subtle control had taken precedence in my life. I’ve manipulated, competed with other girls, acted out of insecurity… all familiar behaviors of most of the women I have ever known.
So what does this mean? Does it mean I have to live under this blasted curse for the rest of my life? Ummm…. no! Because, you see there was this amazing man that suffered and died and shed his blood so that I didn’t have to live under the curse anymore. Yes, we can still decide to live under the affects of the curse if we allow ourselves to, but we don’t have to.
We women have a bad case of mistaken identity. 2 Peter 1:3 says that God “has given us everthing pertaining to life and godliness”. We have the best that we can have and He is offering it to us on a silver platter. We need to stop insisting that our way is the best because… hello?… I’m pretty sure that God, glorious and majestic, has way way better stuff for us than what we can get for ourselves.
We also need to stop thinking that we aren’t enough! Hebrews 12:2 says that “for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, despising the shame.” We are the joy that was set before Him. To Him, we are worth His suffering, worth His shame and even worth being seperated from His Father for a time. We are worth EVERYTHING to Him.
So it is time to give Him our lives and let Him have control. We obviously aren’t doing a good job trying to figure things out on our own. We’re only causing a greater rift in our relationships with both men AND women.
In Song of Songs we see this amazing relationship between a bride and her husband. It starts out a little shaky. There are a few times that she wants to do things her way. In chapter 2 she says, “you go on without me while I sit here under this apple tree and do things the way I want to do them”. So He does. He heads over to the mountains without her and lets her be by herself for awhile and the favor and protection lifts off of her and she realizes that there is no way on earth she could ever live her life without Him. What was she thinking? We see this a couple of times. She tries to take control and then she has to learn the hard way. It’s when she reaches Chapter 8 that I become a little jealous: “who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved?” She finally gets it. And then in the preceding verses she discovers an unrelenting, unquenchable love full of desire and passion that will satisfy her for eternity.
It is in that moment when we finally give up trying to find “the best” that we discover all that our heart’s are longing for. It is in that moment when we forfeit control that we learn to fall in love with the One God intended, the One who’s love is perfect and fully satisfying.
Filed under: Prophetic Dreams
The steam from the train curled in disgust as it made it’s way through the icy weather. Steel wheels sputtered and purred to a stop at a small town train station. Frustrated, I made my way through the maze of scarves and puffy coats and screaming children only to find myself in the frigid madness that awaited me outside. This was not how I thought I would be spending my winter. In two days, I was suppose to have been basking in the warm Floridian sun but now, because of this blinding blizzard, I found myself stranded in the frozen tundra of the Midwest.
After gathering my bags and seating myself in the semi-warmth of the station, armed with a bitter but hot cup of coffee, I called the only person I could think of who might be able to tell me how to handle this mess of a vacation. My Dad.
Leave the rest of the story (aka my dream last night) to your own imagination. There may be a continuation… and there may not be.
Filed under: Trust
It’s easy to be distracted by the beauty that surrounds me here in Ottertail. For the last week or so, I’ve been kidding myself that Jesus sent me here for some rest and relaxation. Yeah right. I’m pretty sure that’s what IHOP was for… to teach me to have a heart of peace and rest and trust in the Father. I believe part of my time here is to teach me how to maintain that rest in the midst of raising up a generation of bold, lovesick followers of Jesus.
This is a different season of prayer for me as well. In Kansas City, it was a simple thing to walk over to the prayer room and have time with the Lord or even to simply ‘have it out’ with the Lord in my bedroom at night whereas here in Ottertail there is no IHOP prayer room with anointed worship music and in the evenings our house is filled with people until about 11:30 most nights. Most of the time, my only option is to go for a run by myself and share with Jesus the burdens of my heart and let Him speak to me. If I’m lucky, in the mornings, I have the house to myself to commune with Him but those moments are few and far between.
I’m expecting this to be a challenging season on many levels but my heart has never felt so alive. Though there are circumstances that need to be wrestled through, I know that God is still on His throne and He will give me discernment and lead me well. I am also trusting that when I make little mistakes along the way, He doesn’t punish me for them (because the cross took that punishment) and He doesn’t revoke His promises. His ways are not my ways and His plans aren’t necessarily my plans. The scary thing about following Jesus is that we NEVER really know what He’s up to or why He’s up to it… but we can trust that His leadership is perfect even in the midst of uncertainty.
This is not a very cohesive blog today but sometimes we just need to organize our thoughts as they come.
